How to Make It in Life

A Wiener in Chaos

2005-06-29T01:25:00.000-07:00

I am a wiener in chaos
a lone sentry in the eye of the maelstrom
unmoved by the conspiring forces
that threaten to rip me apart
and in different directions
until I am but a tattered wiener

I am a wiener in chaos
I stand alone
my helmet cocked to one side
a bubblegum cigarette
dangling from my lips
a puff of cornstarch
is spirited up into the gale
I feel the inevitable
closing in
but I am steadfast and firm
my resolve does not waver
as I shut my eyes
as tight as I'm able

I am a wiener in chaos

Quote of the Day

2005-06-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

"You need to take a long walk off a slow pier."

- as said to me in all earnestness by a frustrated co-worker

Yes, it's been that sort of week.

Ice Cream Man

2005-06-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

There's an ice cream truck blaring ice cream music in front of my apartment building. It's 9 o'clock at night. Isn't it past a lot of kids' bedtimes? So what could he be doing there? Perhaps it's an ice cream truck for adults, and the creepy ice cream man is selling flavorful frozen penis popsicles and pudendum-shaped eskimo pies. I think I've just come up with my million dollar idea. I shall become Ice Cream Man: After Dark. Details soon.

Impulse Purchase

2005-06-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

I went to the grocery store this morning just to buy some milk, bread, pasta, etc. On a whim, I bought two filets of sockeye salmon from the seafood counter. Even though they were on sale, it cost me $17.85. Woops. And I said I would be more frugal. So anyway, does anybody know how to cook sockeye salmon? Help me!

Fluffer Nutter

2005-06-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

From what I hear, it's delicious. But it also sounds like the duties a multi-tasker would have on a porn shoot. Pity the poor bastards who have that job.

I Got Woken Up

2005-06-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

by an earthquake this morning. Just so we're reminded that we live near a huge fault line and we'll all die horribly one day. According to the local ABC newscast, it was about a magnitude 5.6, centered near Anza, about 120 miles away from me. From my end, it felt as if someone was rocking me in my bed for a few seconds. Perhaps that's why I wanted my mommy. Hope everyone is okay. FYI, there's a gay pride parade in West Hollywood today. They just did a short piece on ABC in the middle of the earthquake coverage. Coincidence? Pat Robertson wouldn't think so. But then again, Pat Robertson is completely insane.

A Really Nice Story

2005-06-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

About a high school basketball player named Ryan Belflower.

Universal Opera

2005-06-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

Practically every evening, a woman who lives in the apartment building across from me will sing opera songs (arias?) in a beautiful soprano voice. Though I can't see her, I can hear her quite well from my bedroom window, and I'm always filled with a wistful, homesick feeling whenever I'm audience to her mournful laments. I look forward to hearing her every day when I get home from work, and I'm sort of disappointed when she's not around.

One day I'll muster up the courage to go over there and thank her, tell her how much I appreciate her singing. Some old man will answer the door and I'll ask him if the woman who sings so beautifully is around. At first he'll be confused, but the more I ask about her, the more agitated he'll become. Finally, he'll tell me in a shaky voice, "But it can't be... this woman you speak of was my daughter... and she died 14 years ago! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

So maybe I won't go over there. Perhaps some things are best appreciated from afar.

Thought of the Day

2005-06-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

I like pie.

Gary Gnu Reports

2005-06-06T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a slow news day back home.

I've Always Wondered

2005-06-05T18:13:00.000-07:00

While grocery shopping today, I came across a product that piqued my curiosity and made my mouth water. I must say that I felt ashamed almost immediately afterwards. But in the end, there was no fighting it -- I simply had to purchase this demonic concoction, my hands trembling as I handed the cashier a few crumpled bills. Perhaps tonight I shall partake of this heady brew, and perhaps I shall find it sinfully delicious...

Tooth Fairy

2005-06-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

While not nearly as bad as Miranda's recent tooth trouble, I am having some problems of my own. Yesterday one of my new $130 composite dental fillings, which I got only this past February, popped out while I was eating some extra-crunchy granola. I didn't immediately notice it, since the filling was probably a little less crunchy than the granola, but then I drank some cold milk and felt a weird extra-sensitive sensation in my tooth. After suffering through several more sips, I finally went to a mirror to peer inside my mouth. To my horror I saw a huge gaping hole in one of my molars. I think I almost fainted. I mean, I could see inside my tooth.

But I got over it, and lucky thing too, because my dentist can't see me till Monday. Oh well. You're all lucky I still can't find my camera. For now, I can't eat or drink anything really hot or really cold, and I'm definitely avoiding Coke and other sweets. In fact, that probably means I won't be eating much of anything really.

And maybe it's a blessing in disguise, since, as my girlfriend quite recently put it, "Why can't you look more like Anakin?"

If you haven't seen Revenge of the Sith, Anakin is quite the delicious dish in several shirtless scenes. Or so I'm told. Repeatedly. It's not like I'm a fatso or anything. But she persists. And so I tell her that unlike Anakin, I'm, errr... good? To which she replies, "But sweetie, just look at him!"

It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how good or bad you are, it's how you look without your shirt on that determines your standing in life. I bet this could be scientifically proven too. Anyway, so my new push-up regimen begins right now. Damn you Anakin Skywalker!

Duck Soup

2005-05-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

When somebody thinks something is really easy to do, they might say, "Oh that's duck soup!" Or, "It's as easy as pie!"

You never hear someone say, "It's as easy as pasta!" Or "That's rice!"

And why not? Pasta and rice are probably the two easiest things in the world to cook -- much easier than pie or duck soup, in any case. Actually, I've never had duck soup before, so maybe I'm wrong. What goes into it? But I suspect that no matter how you prepare it, duck soup is just a waste of duck. It's like watering down manna from heaven. Why not make some crispy Peking duck instead? That shit is delicious. Sometimes I wish Rachael Ray from the Food Network would cook me some Peking duck while dressed in nothing but a short skirt and a bra.

Ahhh, but then I think, why would Rachael Ray do something so silly? She would never wear something so degrading AND cook for me. She has too much self-respect. And besides, she'd get burned! But apparently she did it for FHM, like two years ago.

If you look closely at the eyes on her airbrushed face, you can see her soul dying on the inside. That's okay Rachael, we all make mistakes. Sexy sexy mistakes.

Busy Bee

2005-05-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy this past week that I've been neglecting a few things. For example, there are small piles of clothes at random spots on the living room floor, as if people were suddenly spirited away by the Rapture or spontaneously combusted in my apartment. But in reality I've been getting home at three in the morning every night this week, too tired to do anything except get undressed wherever I happen to be standing, taking a shower, then falling asleep. After this week, my place is a complete mess -- clothes, mail, trash, all scattered about. So when I started my clean-up today and began washing the dishes for the first time in a week, I shouldn't have been surprised that there was MOLD growing all over my plates and utensils. Not just a little, but a vast colony of green spores. I just hope they weren't waiting to find a human host. So anyway, this weekend will be dedicated to cleaning and unpacking and making sure I don't turn into the slob I'm afraid I'm becoming.

Late Night Poem

2005-05-24T01:38:00.000-07:00

Why does orange juice taste funny right after you brush your teeth?

And why did I just drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?

Now I have to brush my teeth again.

Son of a bitch!

I Want To Believe

2005-05-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

I went out with some friends for most of a hot, humid day yesterday. When I came home, it was hotter and more humid inside the apartment than it was outdoors. Then I noticed that my refrigerator door was ajar. Oh dear, I said to myself. We have ghosts. I pulled the door all the way open and looked inside. I swear, it was like opening up an oven -- I could feel the heat spill out of it, like I had decided to cook a pot roast in the fridge. @%$#, I said to myself. Everything inside was warm to the touch. My groceries -- my chicken, my steak, my macaroni salad, my mayonnaise -- all recently purchased, all done for. @%#&$!!!!!

I sort of wish I really did have a ghost, because then I could blame my stupid forgetfulness on something other than myself. Normally, I am obsessive-compulsive when it comes to checking if doors are locked, ovens are off, refrigerators are closed. I'll double, triple and quadruple check locks and switches. I'll turn my car back around after driving ten miles if I get a nagging feeling that I left one of my windows slightly open. It's sort of annoying to my friends and family, but for the most part, I think it's a good compulsion to have, because sometimes I'll catch things on the double or triple check that I didn't catch the first time. But apparently this compulsion has started to escape me recently, and at the worst times. The other night, I parked my car in the street and left the back window rolled all the way down for the entire night. Luckily, no one seemed to notice, but I felt stupid the whole day after. My powers, they fail me!

Oh well, perhaps it's the water in my new place, or it's just that I've got so much on my mind right now. Or maybe it really is a ghost, and it's decided to play tricks on me. I'll go with that for now because it can't be empirically disproven. Yes yes. I'll keep you up do date on what other stupid things my ghost makes me do.

Waiting for the Cable Guy

2005-05-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Waiting for the cable guy
wish I could take a dump
but then he'll probably stop by
and I'll be caught in flagrante delicto
or in other words, mid-log
And then I'll have to force it all out
hoping I didn't eat Doritos the night before
or I'll have to cut my losses
if you know what I mean
Either way, there'd be no time
to cleanse my southern palate
Usually that takes me a good five minutes
to make it as clean as a whistle
or in this case, a kazoo
I'd have to pull up my pants and rush out
and avoid shaking his hand
and curse myself the whole time
for wearing new tighty whities today

Lordy

2005-05-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

I need to ease up on the night-time caffeine.

Which brings me to a question. Have you ever drunk so much coffee that when you're peeing afterwards, your pee smells like coffee? Tell me this happens to other people and it's not just me. Otherwise, I may need to see a doctor. Or open up a unique recycling business.

My Aching, Well-Oiled Muscles

2005-05-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

I must've put on at least ten pounds of muscle today. For today was moving day. My new apartment is on the second floor of a Melrose Place-style complex, but sans pool or sexy insane neighbors. It's also sans any elevator or dumbwaiter or any means other than stairs of getting heavy couches, refrigerators or bookshelves from the ground floor to the 2nd floor. I'm just lucky to be such a hulking physical specimen, a la Kevin Federline, that I could carry everything up on my chiseled back without breaking a sweat. Federline, yo.

But I did have lots of help from U-Haul, which made me realize that only certain gas stations pump diesel gasoline. Who knew? Truckers, you say? Touche. But let me ask you this -- have you ever encountered a trucker after they've driven 18 straight hours? They look at you with a grizzled thousand-mile stare and try to convince you that Jesus was an alien brought to Earth by a UFO. That's been my experience anyway. My trucker friend even gave me some literature on the subject, which I still have. Perhaps I'll post sections of his manifesto at a later date, once I unpack everything and find it. Or perhaps I shouldn't. He seems like the kind of guy who constantly Googles his own manifesto. He also seems like the kind of guy who would hunt me down and discipline me with his collection of glow-in-the-dark dildos.

I shouldn't generalize about truckers though. Most of them are cool. It takes lot of skill to maneuver a big-rig through rush-hour traffic. A lot them make great money too, whether it's through sweet government contracts, double-time night runs for FedEx, or winning overly dramatic arm-wrestling tournaments.

Friday the 13th

2005-05-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

Here is the side of a beat-up old shed in my backyard that houses the washer and dryer.

Say, what's that beneath the paneling?

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

"We will pinch your face, crawl in your ears, and eat your BRAAAAAAIINS!"

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Some Say Love, It is a River

2005-05-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

One day, a young gentleman was walking about his country garden when he came across a lone rose growing out of the bramble. This fellow, a well-groomed and elegant fop, said out loud to no one in particular, "I do say, that is a lovely flower! Perhaps I shall affix it to my lapel!"

But just as he bent down to pluck his prize, he heard a tiny voice scream, "Stay away, she's mine!" The refined and genteel jack-a-dandy, ill-equipped for handling confrontation, fainted on the spot. And with that, a triumphant little cricket bounded away with a thrust of her hind legs.

Farewell Butterfly

2005-05-08T15:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a butterfly I saw in my backyard today. Click on the photo for a higher rez version. I'm really quite the procrastinator. I should be packing up and throwing things away in preparation for my move, but instead I take pictures of bugs. I don't know what kind of butterfly this is, but I was very sneaky and was able to get very very close to it, inches away in fact, before it flew away. I should become a ninja. Or perhaps a nature documentarian working for the BBC. Or maybe a combination of both. Yes, yes. I shall procure my poisons from the venomous snakes I document by day, then inject them into unsuspecting double agents by night. Ooooooh, perhaps I've stumbled upon a career. No one would ever suspect David Attenborough of being a silent assassin, would they? Well there you go.

Home Sweet Home

2005-05-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

So I finally found a new place to live. Yaayyyyyyy!!!! It's a one-bedroom apartment and it's relatively cheap. "Relatively" being the key word. But oh well, it's bigger than the place I currently live in and it's closer to work. The only downside is there's no backyard to plant things in anymore. No tomatoes, no bell peppers, no cool bugs to take pictures of. Now comes the stress of moving, renting the U-Haul, throwing out the back carrying the furniture, and the various changes of address forms I gotta submit. But I think it'll be fun. It's an excuse to throw away things I'm clinging onto for no reason, just because I'm a pack rat. However, it's also an excuse to buy new things to replace those things I throw away because I need things to match my new apartment. It's a win-win, really.

Movie Review: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

2005-05-04T00:17:00.000-07:00

How disappointing!

Born Again

2005-04-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

If I ever have kids, and then my kids have kids, and their kids have kids and on and on, and then I die and I'm later reincarnated and then I happen to meet my great great great great granddaughter, but not know it, and then I happen to hump her and have a baby with her, would that be considered inbreeding? I certainly would think so. See, people need to consider these types of scenarios before they get all excited about reincarnation.

For Those Who Wield Large Burritos

2005-04-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

Beware. People may mistake it for a weapon.

The Hunter

2005-04-28T00:16:00.000-07:00

In the year 7000, I shall be reborn a Siberian Tiger. I will be known as Owa Tana Siam and I will prowl my jungle domain, menacing all who dare cross my path with my fearsome teeth and deafening roar. One fine day I shall devour the last living human being alive, and it will be a most satisfying meal for this most fiercesome hunter. But until that moment of glory comes to pass, I shall be apartment hunting, and right now, it's not going so good.

Bittersweet Sundays

2005-04-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

Sunday. It's always been a day to look forward to, especially in the middle of a horrible school or work week. It's a time to relax, lounge about, and have butt sex while church bells ring in the distance. Sunday is a day that holds boundless promise. Newspapers are bigger. The air is crisper. The chalupas at Taco Bell taste better. The inevitable diarrhea you get afterward is not as explosive. One could say that Sunday is the best day of the week. It's rumoured that Jesus Christ rose from the dead on a Sunday just to take advantage of a JCPenney two for one sale.

But for all the good things that Sunday brings, as Sunday evening rolls around, one is filled with a creeping dread. For the setting sun reminds us that we are being pushed inevitably towards Monday. Homework needs to be done. Toys need to be put away. Sleep needs to be gotten to earlier. The promise of the new day leads to an evening of anxiety -- that oh-crap-I-forgot-to-build-my-science-project feeling. What a let down. One could say without exaggeration that Sunday night is the worst night of the week.

Memory of the Day

2005-04-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a little kid, one of my favorite things to do was to jump into piles of dirty laundry my mom had set aside for washing. With a running start, I'd pretend to be Superman and dive fearlessly into the huge fluffy piles. I'd also bury myself in the dirty clothes and pretend to be the trash heap from Fraggle Rock. This was in a more innocent time before I learned about skidmarks and dingleberries.

Volkswagen Passat

2005-04-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

I've heard good things about the Volkswagen Passat.

But I'm not sure I'd want to own a car that sounds like someone passing gas.

Lady Gertrude: Care for more tea?
Lord Henry: Why certainly.
Lady Gertrude's Bottom: Passat.
Lord Henry: Pardon?
Lady Gertrude: Sorry?
Lord Henry: Were you trying to whisper something to me?
Lady Gertrude: Heavens no. You're hearing things.
Lord Henry: My apologies.
(short pause)
Lord Henry: Dear Lord, has something died in here?

Actually, I think my next car will be a hybrid. Not necessarily by choice mind you, because by the time I get around to buying a new car, all cars will probably be hybrids.

And by "hybrid" I mean a car that's part machine, part animal. In the near future, bioengineering will advance far enough so that scientists will be able to breed powerful beasts capable of being fused to metal, circuitry and rich Corinthian leather to create the next generation of automobile. This will reduce the amount of gasoline you'll have to use because you'll be able to refuel your car by feeding it scraps from the butcher. (Just don't let the kids get too close.) The next generation of automobile will anticipate and avoid accidents, roar when it is stuck in traffic, and always be loyal to you. The only drawback is that your car will crap like an elephant and spew out "exhaust" like there's no tomorrow. Passat indeed.

Fortune Kooky

2005-04-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

I went to a Chinese restaurant last night with a few friends. It was great even though I was really in the mood for Mexican. So I compromised and had the moo shu pork, which is basically a Chinese burrito.

At the end of the meal we all broke open our cookies and read our fortunes. Here's what mine said: "A gambler not only will lose what he has, but also will lose what he doesn't have." A very sage observation about the evils of gambling and its effect on society. It warns the reader that if you gamble, you will lose not only your money, but perhaps your very soul. Or it may just mean you will start charging your losses to your credit card. In any case, this warning is somewhat undercut by the lucky lotto numbers listed right below it.

Jealous Guy

2005-04-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

James Wolcott can write. Read this insightful essay about Rush Limbaugh and BJs.

Death Und Taxes

2005-04-15T01:42:00.000-07:00

Today is tax day. I hope that's not a surprise to you. It was almost a surprise to me. I filed my federal like two months ago, but I totally forgot about my state until someone mentioned filing theirs last week. Well anyway, I was lucky enough to get a refund this year. And I'll be spending it on seeing Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the movie version of my favorite book of all time. I saw the trailer and it actually looks like a good movie. Let's hope I don't speak too soon.

Opening April 29th!

Dreams

2005-04-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream about Henry Rollins.

Contrary to what you might think by this, the punk rocker/actor/poet/TV host's natural expression, in my dream he was not screaming and beating me into submission while demons feasted upon my soul. It was somehow a little stranger than that. In my dream, Henry actually looked somewhat like this:

Which is to say he kinda looked like this:

And even a little like this:

In my dream, Henry Rollins had become a raspy-voiced Top 40 singer from the 80s, though he didn't quite have the Richard Marx hair. Rollins was singing a power ballad that's still stuck in my head about how he used to laugh at guys like Richard Marx and Don Henley for being such unbelievably sappy sell-outs until one day he realized the pain that these MOR singers had tucked away inside them. So Henry identified with them and soon became one of them, singing in a very non-Henry crooner sort of way and making black and white videos about regret.

One day scientists have to invent a machine that downloads dreams, because this one was very interesting, to me anyway. And the song was quite catchy as well.

Belated Easter Thought of the Day

2005-04-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

If Jesus died for our sins, then why did he come back to life? I think that's cheating.

Butterflies and Green Onions

2005-04-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

No, it's not the hot new trend in L.A. cuisine. It's what I saw in my backyard.

I'm not sure if this is a Painted Lady Butterfly, which seems to be swarming California in large numbers, but I did see this guy sitting on the flowers of one of my green onion plants. I had no idea green onions produced such cool looking flowers. Anyway, so this is a nature scene from my backyard, one of the many of which I'll soon have to say goodbye to because the landlord is selling the house =( Perhaps I will find an aparment with lots of roaches instead. *Cue mournful violin music*

Thought of the Day

2005-04-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Does soy milk come from the nipples of soybeans?

No Turds to Burgle

2005-04-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

I see nobody wants to do my research for me. Oh well, so I went and did it. And so here's the origin of "turd burglar": Back when the early white settlers headed west to settle the American frontier, they needed fuel for their nightly camp fires. Dried buffalo dung was plentiful and burned quite easily. But as the buffalo was hunted to near-extinction, their poop understandably became more and more scarce. Buffalo dung became a rare and highly sought after commodity. And in the Wild West, this meant the outlaw element soon got involved. Bandits would hold up stage coaches for the sole purpose of robbing innocent folk of their buffalo chips. Frontiersman would curse these purloiners of poo, these dung desperados, these... "turd burglars". And thus the term was coined. But wait, you say, robbery is not the same as burglary, is it? Shouldn't it be "turd robbers"? Indeed, you may be right. But in the Wild West, no one cared for such semantics. So don't be an a-hole about it.

Question of the Day

2005-04-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

What is the etymology of "turd burglar"? I have a pretty good idea what it means, but I'd like to know the origin of it. Anyone who answers satisfactorily will get a flattering poem written about them by Archibald von Archibald.

Thanks!

Call The Movers

2005-03-26T12:26:00.000-08:00

My landlord wants to sell the house, so now I have to move. But finding a nice apartment at a reasonable price is quite difficult. Too bad I'm not a cute girl, then I would have no problems at all.

Knackered

2005-03-17T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've been more tired before, and more stressed out, and even more insane, but never in quite the combination as I am right now. And it's not even anything big. It's just a bunch of little things piling on, like it's time for the gods to become aware and jealous and spiteful of me. "I am humble!" I say as I shake my fist towards the heavens. I guess it's been my recent 60 hour work weeks, having to move out of my apartment in the next month or so, the car not working properly at the most inopportune times, the laundry piling up, the toilet acting strange, my friends acting stranger... And through all this, all I wish is that I could just dive into a big ocean of jello, plunging to the bottom, 200 feet down. I would eat myself out a home down there, with a few books and some fine wines. But instead of reading or drinking, I'd just fall into a deep slumber from which no alarm clock or cell phone could awaken me. It's not the big sleep, just a long snooze in my jello hideout. Right now, that would be quite the place to be.

And So I Lived...

2005-03-11T09:43:00.000-08:00

...to watch Maid in Manhattan with my girlfriend.

The Horror

2005-03-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

I have one of these hideous creatures flying around inside my apartment.

I tried catching it earlier, but it escaped. Now it's just hiding somewhere, waiting for its chance to strike back. And I have to go to sleep soon. So if you don't hear from me again, you'll know what killed me...

Salaried Worker

2005-03-04T20:00:00.000-08:00

My boss has decided to put me on salary just as I've started to work 55 hour weeks, the bastard.

And if he puts me back on hourly when work starts to be scarce, I will kick him in the nuts.

Oh, papa needs a brand new bag.

The Breaking of the Silence

2005-02-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

It seems that I haven't typed here in quite a while. A lot has changed in the intervening months. Where once I was a mere caterpillar, hiding in my cocoon, I am now free of my chrysalis, to become a gigantic wing-ed beast, risen like a Phoenix... out of Arizona! I must say that I've been through the crucible. Well, not really, but the blogrest seems to be over. Perhaps I have stories to tell about my time away, but interesting or not, I hope to write more regularly. I hope to start reading my blog friends blogs again as well. So hello again!

Like sand through an hourglass...

2004-11-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

Is it November already? My Lord. Why does time seem to fly by faster the older you get? I was told long ago that it has to do with fractions of time, but I don't believe it. The theory goes that a specific amount of time, say a year, is half your life if you're only two years old, but is 1/25th of your life if you're 25 years old, and so a year goes by faster since your mind processes time relative to how long you've lived. Sounds like a bunch of horseshit to me! But I don't know how else to explain it.

Anyway, I think, as Prestbury once did, I will take a "blogrest". I need time to concentrate on work, and also finding another job because this one sucks, and planning birthday parties and buying gifts and reading and writing and other forms of self-improvement. Who knows, it might last only a week!

See you soon!

Voting

2004-10-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

I hope everybody votes next week, because as you know, for the most part, every vote counts. As for me, I'm voting absentee! I've only filled in one circle so far, but there are all these other people I've never heard of, people running for State Assembly or Superior Court. Where can I get a list of the judges who are most lenient in punishing sodomy? And then there are all these measures and initiatives to decipher. It's amazing that people are asked to vote for things they know nothing about. I'm sure when voters encounter these names for the first time in the voting booth, they probably just check off the name of the guy that sounds the nicest. Or they just vote for the wrong reasons (For Prop 69, I will mark YES because I love 69ing). That's why I think absentee voting is the way to go, because then you can agonize over each initiative, reading what each side has to say on the issue, and then making an informed choice. Of course, my vote will be cancelled out by the guy who hates even numbers, but you can also say you cancelled his vote out. Something to think about!

Mini-Vacation

2004-10-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I went hiking in Nevada and visited a gold mine in Arizona. Unfortunately, I had let my friend borrow my camera, so I don't have any pictures to post here. Which is unfortunate because I did see some cool things like strange rock formations, dragonflies, fish eating duck poo, and all sorts of things. I did find some quartz on the ground, so that was pretty cool. When I get my camera back, I will take a picture of it and post it!

Now, back to work dammit!

Coffee and Werewolves

2004-10-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

Having not partaken in the pleasures of coffee in quite a while, I, in a space of two hours, drank three full cups of a strong, hearty brew earlier today. Boy, talk about getting the shakes. Apparently, my body's tolerance to caffeine has waned considerably since the last time I had this much of it. For most of the day I could not sit still, so much so that my boss asked me why I kept walking around the office. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and when I spoke to anyone, it was at an accelerated pace, as if I had accidentally hit my own personal fast forward button*. If there had been some way to harness my energy, I'm sure I could've powered the office for a few hours, saving quite a bit on the utility bill in the process.

Even now, after work, I still feel a bit edgy. I hope I'll be able to sleep tonight. Back in college, if I drank too much coffee during the day, I had difficulty falling asleep at night unless I took Nyquil or something, which is really bad -- after all, that's how Elvis got started. Another reason I may not be able to sleep well tonight is because whenever I have a vivid dream, it's usually followed by several nights of similarly-themed dreams.

And so last night I dreamed quite vividly that I was a murderous werewolf.

It was all very disturbing -- not so much because I was a murderous werewolf, but because I felt so sad when my family refused to hear my pleas of forgiveness for having been a murderous werewolf. Oh, the looks of disappointment in their faces! And it was only then that I felt guilty for eating all those innocent people. Indeed, shame had greater power over my conscience than the fact that I had torn people to shreds. It was so vivid that I woke up thinking that perhaps I had been repressing memories of my rampages.

Of course, after a few moments I realized I wasn't a werewolf in real life, and so I rejoiced. And even if I did happen to eat someone in real life, I was confident that I would immediately feel bad about it, and that made me happier. But then I got sad again because I realized it was five in the morning and I needed to go to work in a few hours. Of course, I didn't fall back asleep until 20 minutes before my alarm clock went off...

So today at work, to counteract my lack of sleep, I drank wayyyyy too much coffee.

*Located, coincidentally, next to my belly button.

Noon Drinkin'

2004-10-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

While I was cleaning out the fridge this morning, I found some over-ripe kim chee, which had been sitting on the bottom shelf alone and untouched for weeks. So I of course decided to eat some. As the fermented cabbage tickled my tongue and burned my throat, I couldn't help but to imagine that this is what it must be like to eat something I found in the drain. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love kim chee, but I cannot eat this "authentic" kim chee, which, it seems, must be aged until it smells like a mixture of death and flatulence, and therefore attracts giant flies to bang futilely against your screen door. My mom would love it, but I threw the rest out. So now I feel like a sell out, and I think I overreacted and drank a few shots of rum just in case I ingested a few germs. Or perhaps it was to dull the shame. So now I'm a little tipsy and I haven't even eaten lunch yet. But it's Saturday, and it's all good!

At Home on a Friday

2004-10-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

I get the day off today because my boss thinks I've been working too much lately, i.e. getting paid too much overtime. I could be mad that he's trying to take money out my pocket, food out of my mouth, buttless chaps out of my closet, but honestly I really don't mind having a day off. Besides, I needed to take care of things I haven't had time for recently, like taking my car in to get a tune-up and buying some groceries to make a pot of my extra-delicious chicken curry. I usually make enough curry to last ten meals, which one would think would be overkill, but I just eat it pretty much every day afterwards and never get sick of it. It's that damn good. Maybe I'll post some pictures later, make y'all jealous.

Food

2004-09-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I drove 50 miles for free food. Well, actually it was for a co-worker party, but I wasn't gonna drive all that way just to see the same disgusting fools I see every day. I'd rather starve myself before I'd see them during my off-hours. And so that's what I did. I didn't eat all day in order to savor the delicious free food all the more. And it was indeed delicious. Of course, in the end, it turns out that the food really wasn't free since the cost of gas for the trip was probably some exorbitant amount that's way more than the price of the food, but since it was the reason I went, I must stand by that reasoning. And that makes me somewhat melancholy.

Mr. Moneybags

2004-09-22T23:58:00.000-07:00

I've been quite busy of late, but the good news is that I recently got a raise! Thank you, thank you. Where once I was making peanuts, now I am making honey-roasted peanuts. Again, thank you.

Everything's Gonna Be Alright

2004-09-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

An inquistive fellow, perhaps frightened by a recent discovery about himself, came searching for answers here via this heartbreaking query. To ease his mind, I've come up with a list just for him, in case he comes back.

The Advantages of Having Three Testicles

It's always good to have a spare.

You're more likely to father triplets.

Third time's the charm. Same goes with balls.

If your name is Tony, you can call yourself "Three Testicle Tony"

You fill out your Speedos real nice.

While most guys nickname their testicles after famous duos, you can name yours after famous trios. Ladies, say hello to Huey, Dewey and Louie.

Happy Labor Day

2004-09-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

To celebrate, here are some eels that I saw at the Long Beach Aquarium a few weeks back. As you can see, the little buggers are sticking their heads out of the sand, while a starfish and a snail rest in the foreground. Pretty cool, mate!

Click on picture for better view!

My Heart is Torn Asunder

2004-09-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

The University of Hawaii's dream of an undefeated season is no more, as they lost their season opener to Florida Atlantic, 35 to 28. Yes, that's right, the same Florida Atlantic you've never even heard of. So go ahead and laugh! I don't give a crap! But let me tell you one thing...

*cue ominous 50s noir music, along with corresponding noir accent*

Unlike you, at least I'm passionate about something! Oh, I'm sorry, did I touch a nerve? Forgive me, please, for I had no idea you still felt anything, seeing as how your heart is as barren as an empty tin of childhood promise! Seeing as how your life now consists of nothing more than a going through of the motions, secretly longing -- not only for that young scamp you didn't have the courage to take to the ball all those years ago -- but for the cold comfort of death's eternal embrace! That's right baby! The big sleep!

I suppose I'm taking this loss a bit too hard. There will be other games, after all. Sigh.

In other news, it is really hot today, like 95 degrees in L.A. and 101 in Long Beach. I'm so glad I'm not a gardener, though I did water my bell peppers today. Here, have a gander.

My Favorite Mall is Barstow

2004-09-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

Howdy all, I just came back from Vegas. It was my second time there in the past three weeks. No, I don't have a gambling problem...or at least that ain't the reason I went back so soon. This second trip was for work, which I found out about right after I came back from my first trip. So anyway, now I'm home for the time being, which is good since I have so many chores to do.

So how did I do in Vegas? Well, my first trip there with my parents, I was on a roll. I won $200 on roulette, $40 on video poker and had my hotel and food paid for by my parents. Not bad! My second trip there, my business trip there, I lost $80 on slots, $60 on roulette and nearly cried my pretty little eyes out at the end of the night. I take consolation in the fact that if you count both trips, I'm still up, but I tell you, Vegas is evil! You win pretty big one night, so you go back thinking you'll win some more, but then you lose it all! Hmmph! Of course, I can't wait to go back.

Poop!

2004-08-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

My parents are gone and now my home is left empty again, as it should be. I love seeing my parents, but man, can they be pains! I'm just kidding, they're the best. Especially since they insist on giving me money!

Which helps quite a bit, since I got ripped off by the plumber. Don't ever use USA Services Plumbing if you're in the Los Angeles area. They're a bunch of assholes! They told me on the phone that it would cost around $100 for a roto-rooter job, but when the plumber got out here, he said the job would cost $300! And because I didn't want to pay $300 for him to do the job, I was forced to pay $60 for him NOT to do the job. It was his "service" fee for the trouble of driving out to my house. Asshole.

When I called back to complain about the way-off quote, I was told that USA Services "does not give out quotes over the phone." Technically, I wasn't given a "quote," but one must assume that when a customer service rep says the job "would probably cost around $100," that it is kinda like being given a quote.

Well, if that's the game they want to play, then I will have no choice but to damn them all to hell! And perhaps to the Better Business Bureau.

That's okay though, at least my job doesn't involve cleaning up other people's doo doo.

I eventually did get a really really good plumber out here who did the job for $120 dollars. So I gave him some Macadamia Nut cookies as a tip. And I apologized for the doo doo comment.

On a happier note, I went to Knott's Berry Farm and Long Beach Aquarium with my parents. Here's a picture of a cool sea dragon that looks like seaweed!

Soooo Sleeeepy

2004-08-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have been busy. Done with the housesitting. Cat actually did throw up. In the bedroom. Luckily I found it before I left. Thanks kitty. Now my parents are in town, so I will be gone again. I am actually going to Vegas with my parents. If that doesn't spell fun, I don't know what does. Let me know if anybody wants me to play keno numbers for them. I feel like I've been neglecting all of you, but when I come back, I will catch up on the writings of my most favoritest writers, so be sure to write good!

For now, I must take my leave. We might go to Knott's Berry Farm, which I haven't been to since I was six years old. I hope I can still pan for gold.

In the House

2004-08-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hello my fine feathered friends. I'm currently in the midst of housesitting my friend's phat pad, which contrary to popular belief, is not a type of Thai food. The phat pad has a full kitchen, a dining room, a living room, four bedrooms, two and half bath, a piano, a nice backyard (mmmm hmmm!), and a kitty cat (meow!) that I have to feed three times a day (heyoohhh!). That cat is one fat bastard, I tell you. Maybe they should consider feeding it two times a day? Anyway, so I'm currently at my real home right now, getting some laundry done. I'm considering bringing my computer over to the house, but I'm always paranoid that I might drop it or lose it or something. And then there's the danger of getting 80 proof vomit all over it due to the wild party I will be having there fairly soon. But keep that on the hush hush.

Warriors Baby!

2004-08-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

In honor of the upcoming college football season, I've modified my blog title to reflect my support of the University of Hawaii football team!!! Wataaaaahhhhhh!!! I hope you like. I worked so hard on it. I added the big green H.

One of the few connections I still have with back home is the live broadcasts of UH football games shown here in California on Fox Sports West 2. It's one of the reasons I can put up with paying the exorbitant cable TV prices. Screw you Comcast! So let's hope they keep broadcasting the UH games this year as the University of Hawaii goes undefeated and wins the national title! Woooohoooo!

You Wanna Make a Homemade Whaaaa???

2004-07-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

I almost choked on my soda when I noticed that someone visited my site via this curious Google search.

Let me just say that I don't think I've ever mentioned making such an apparatus, nor in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined that such a thing were possible.

Unagi

2004-07-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

Why hath God forsaken me? I just found out that unagi is high in cholesterol. Unagi, for those who don't know, is broiled freshwater eel, and it is delicious. It is similar to manna from heaven, except better. It is commonly used to make sushi, but this is the way I like it...

...on a bed of rice, so you can mix it all up with the sweet unagi sauce and create an even more delicious experience, if that's even possible!

But alas, as with all things that are awesome, it is bad for me and my high cholesterol. And so, like the pork rinds before it, and the sodomy before that, I must give it up, or at least cut back, lest my butt and/or heart pay for it in the end. It's not fair, is it?

Backyard

2004-07-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

I've been working a lot lately. So I've come to take solace in the simple things in life -- namely, grasshoppers cleaning themselves.

It certainly is a wonder of nature, but also quite sad, when an insect you find in your yard has better hygiene than most of the people you work with.

Recycling

2004-07-17T23:26:00.000-07:00

I must say I enjoy Blogger's new posting interface, being able to change fontswhenever I likes. Pretty neat! But alas, much like wearing a giant glittering codpiece, it cannot improve the content of one's post, and I'm afraid this particular missive is on the subject of recycling.

Not that recycling isn't a worthy subject. Nay, it is a very worthy subject, but for some people, an incredibly boring one. So carry on, if you must, with your sodomy and what-not. As for me, I really like the idea of recycling -- finding ways to re-use things you would normally throw away or making new things out of old things so you don't have to kill and/or buy anything new. It's something that's intrigued me for a long time, so much so that my 6th grade science fair project was on my attempt to recycle paper using a blender and part of a screen door. Basically, I threw paper and some water into the blender, pureed it, then poured the resulting goop into a tub. I then strained the liquified paper with the screen and dried whatever collected on the screen in the sun or in the oven. And a few hours later, PRESTO CHANGE-O, I had a new sheet of paper! Granted, my final product was all gray and fuzzy and would fall apart really easily, and you couldn't really write on it, but it's the thought that counts. Especially in a 6th grade science fair.

And so I made an exhibit with the different types paper I recycled. I was more successful with some paper than with others, i.e. my recycled folder paper was nice and smooth while my recycled milk carton paper was full of bits of wax.

And for some reason, I also tried recycling dryer lint, which some could say was a mistake. The final product ended up looking nothing like paper as it was just dryer lint, only in a different shape. And tragically, it also ended up with a few errant pubes sticking out of it. Not exactly something you'd like to find hanging from some kid's science fair project. Well, FYI, those hairs weren't mine, as I was in the sixth grade at the time and not nearly the manly specimen I am now. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure I knew what pubes looked like back then, being naive, oblivious and Christian as I was.

Anyway, I made it to the state finals and I won a ribbon -- for my sheer, pube-laden ingenuity. I also vowed to one of the judges that I would carry on trying to develop better ways of recycling paper, which I didn't end up doing, as the next year brought on a switch from 6th grade private school to 7th grade public school and with it, a whole host of other crap to worry about.

But I still recycle today, or at least set things out to be recycled, which I believe is a good thing (although there has been some dispute.) I sort my recyclables from my trash, and I take my cans and bottles to the recycling center. Sure, it's a lot of effort for a $3.00 gift certificate to the grocery store, but hey, that's worth like six packs of bubblegum. And as everyone knows, bubblegum makes you happy!

So recycle for happiness, and as an added bonus, you could be helping the planet out a wee bit!

Beach

2004-07-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'm currently watching the All-Star Game on the telly. And by telly, I mean television. Roger Clemens is getting shellacked by the American League, and it's kinda painful to watch. There's a fly buzzing about me and my soda, or "pop", as you Midwesterners call it. What do people in Australia and England call sodas? Sodies? Fizzy bizzies? Bubly ublies? I bet it's just soda.

This weekend I went to a beach party in Malibu.

It was quite nice except it was so windy. My friend bought $130 worth of crab legs and it was gone in like ten minutes. Poor guy, and he's not even rich. I only brought Doritos. But they were Cool Ranch baby!

I also saw this weird creature burrowing into the sand...

It's creepy bastards like these that make me question the whole communing with nature thing. Especially when there's things like the candiru fish, which makes a habit of swimming up your pee pee.

Healthy

2004-07-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

The doctor called me at work today. Since I was out at the time, she left a message saying that I needed to call her back because the results of my blood test had come in. There was a tinge of sadness to her voice as she said goodbye.

I had gone in a few days earlier because my nose had been bleeding off and on for the past month. She reassured me that it was just a sinus infection, and the antibiotics she prescribed me would clear it right up.

But now, apparently, it was something much worse, and she was sad about it. Perhaps it was an incurable blood disease. Or perhaps the dreaded wasting away. I tried to imagine how I would take the news that I had only six months to live. I thought of how I would drop the phone and collapse to the ground upon hearing the news. I'd rock back and forth and cry, or perhaps wander into traffic and scream at passing cars about this unjust world.

After I played out these woeful scenarios in my head and partly in pantomime, I finally called back my doctor.

Doctor: Topanga?

Me: Yes?

Doctor: We got the results of your blood test back.

Me: (as I brace for death) Yes?

Doctor: Your cholesterol's rather high.

Me: And?

Doctor: You need to eat better and exercise more.

Me: That's it?

Doctor: And we need to schedule you to come back in three months.

What a relief! No death sentence. Although that's tempered by the fact that it sort of is a death sentence, only slower. My family has a history of high cholesterol and clogged arteries, but I expected this to affect me when I was in my 40s or 50s like it did everyone else. I guess I just have to stop eating sticks of butter and start running again. Or join an Ultimate Frisbee league! Anybody know of any in the LA area?

Silly Computer

2004-07-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

I think something's wrong with my computer. Or maybe it's just my javascript thingy, because for some reason I can't comment on other people's blogs that use Haloscan. I click on the comments, but nothing comes up. So maybe I will comment on people's blogs here.

Hey George, hope your infection clears up!

Hey Frank, of course it's normal to have three testicles!

Hey Melissa, I don't think murder is the proper way to prove your point!

Hopefully I will be fixing this computer problem soon. In the meantime, hope you're all having a great 4th of July! And for those not in the US, happy Sunday!

UPDATE: I am able to comment on some sites but not others, and even those are intermittent. What the frick.

Dodgers and Angels

2004-06-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Hey, here are some pictures from the Dodgers/Angels game I saw on Saturday. The Angels won 7 to 5 and two of my favorite players, Garrett Anderson and Francisco Rodriguez, played rather awesomely. Anderson hit two home runs and Rodriguez, aka K-Rod, got the save.

This arrows shows the approximate location of where we were sitting, except on the opposite side. Don't worry, it's not as far as it looks. Not for the fifty bucks I spent it wasn't!

They started a wave. Yay! Probably to cool everyone off cuz it was so hot and sunny. I got a tan on the right side of my face and my kneecaps. Next time I'll wear longer shorts.

K-Rod in the midst of striking some fool out. Really, we're not that far away.

My peanut shells in my frozen lemonade cup. Sorry, beer was seven dollars a bottle!

I hope I don't get in trouble because I don't have the express written consent of Major League Baseball to post these pictures. Do I even need it? So how would you go about getting it? Oh screw them, they're rich enough!

Peanuts and Cracker Jack

2004-06-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm off to my very first Dodgers game, and incidentally, my very first Angels game. I don't know what's taken me so long, since I've been here four years and I watch either team on TV whenever I can. So I'm killing two birds with one stone, or in my case, watching two baseball teams at the same time...

I've only been to one major league baseball game before, and that was in Philadelphia when I was in the 6th grade. I remember Craig James hit a home run and Will Clark almost hit me with a foul ball. It was nice, and I hope today is nice too! Be back with pictures hopefully.

Nature Boy

2004-06-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

Since there's so much nature outside my window, from squirrels to spiders to mockingbirds to woodpeckers, it's understandable to think that I live out in the countryside somewhere, milking cows and making love to my beautiful sheep. But in reality I live about a mile from LAX, which is one of the busiest airports in the world -- not exactly a vast expanse of pristine wilderness.

So where do all these animals come from? Well, they were probably here way before us humans came in with our paved roads and giant machines and transformed their habitat. So they had to adapt, and now we have woodpeckers pecking on telephone poles, mockingbirds imitating cell phones, and squirrels chattering angrily at me from telephone wires.

Oh, but I admire them for that, for I could never adapt to their natural habitat, being far too entrenched in civilization as I am -- the clothes, the showers, the toilet paper, the Doritos, the Regis and Kelly.

But most of all, I could no longer do without the drone of jet engines, the one that lulls me to sleep at night -- like a big robot mama humming a love song for her boy, as he dreams of beautiful, well-fluffed sheep in the next room.

Woodpecker!

2004-06-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

So much for relaxing on the weekend. I worked today and I work tomorrow. And then I work Monday. But it's all good. Money money money!

So today I woke up to what sounded like a ball peen hammer being jackhammered against a block of iron. I went outside to see what it was, and it turned out to be a woodpecker pecking on the telephone pole outside my house.

I don't know if you can see it, the photo's kinda grainy. I tried to enhance it, with the spot shadow and all, but oh well, trust me, it's there. Anyway, what makes him a strange little woodpecker is not that he's pecking on a telephone pole, because hey, it sorta looks like a tree, but if you look closely, you can see that he's pecking on the metal brace attached to the telephone pole.

How heartbreaking is that? Poor retarded woodpecker.

Backety Back

2004-06-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

I had a fun time in Arizona and Nevada. We went to Laughlin, which is like a mini-Vegas, and I won $10 on roulette. Then I lost $70 on video poker. Some ass next to me won $500.

Then I rode a jetski for the first time. It was quite fun, except when I fell off going 30 mph and water went rushing into my brain.

And then we swam in mildly stagnant river water, which was nice, except for the stench and the probable leptospirosis infection.

And then as soon as I came back, I had to work a 12 hour day, so I needs another vacation!

But I'm not complaining. I just don't have time to actually veg, which is one thing I'm looking forward to this weekend!

Hot

2004-06-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm off to the Colorado River for the weekend, to swim and get a tan. I heard the water is dirty though. But then again, so am I. Rrrrrowrrr!

I really should be working, but I really don't care at this point. Actually I do, but I need to de-stress, as evidenced by my recent bitterness. Dammit, I just remembered I gotta wash some clothes. *#%@&$!!!

Dentists are Greedy Bastards

2004-06-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

400 dollars for a cleaning? Does that come with a happy ending? Hmmm? I know you said it was a special cleaning -- and by "special" you probably meant "painful", rather than "includes happy ending" -- but I don't see why you want me to have it, other than to help buy you a new big screen TV! You suck! You suck big time!

So I went to the dentist the other day, and they want me to pay $400 for a cleaning plus another $300 to fill three cavities. And that's with insurance. I swear, I should just work somewhere that provides full coverage, or live in a society that doesn't mind if you look like a Jack-O-Lantern. So I will find a new dentist, and hopefully this one won't mistake me for a fool!

Magic Kingdom

2004-06-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

So I had a lot of work to do this past week, but I came down with influen-- errr, a 24-hour cold, cough cough, and so I was able to get a day off and take my cousin to Disneyland and Disney's California Adventure so I could recuperate.

And we were able to get in for free because I got some connections... let's just say that I once "tossed Goofy's salad," if you know what I mean. Is that so wrong? He's brought joy and happiness to millions of people, after all. And Disneyland tickets are fifty bucks each!

So we got in for free, but alas, those punks at Disney still somehow manage to wring the money out of you, what with parking ($9), lunch ($22), drinks ($5) and snacks ($6). It didn't help that my cousin didn't have cash on him, but oh well, I was the host after all, goddammit.

We went on a lot of rides, including Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, which I can't imagine being anything but disturbing for little kids, as it chronicles Mr. Toad's descent into hell.

And then on the Pinocchio ride, there was some stereotypical Chinaman in a cage for some reason, complete with slanted eyes and rice farmer hat. Maybe that guy was in the original movie, I don't know, but that certainly doesn't make it right! You dig? Zippity doo da!

And in California Adventure, we watched A Bug's Life 3D movie/interactive stage show, which was really cool, but was also extremely frightening to the kids. Huge black widow spiders descend from the ceiling at one point, accompanied by loud and scary sound effects, and after they leave and it quiets back down, you can hear all the kids sobbing, being comforted by their parents.

And then we saw Kobe Bryant there -- no, not the interactive stage show -- the actual guy, accompanied by his wife and her gigantic $4 million dollar diamond apology ring. It looked like a giant piece of rock candy, and it looked absolutely delicious. But I had to get my cousin away from them, because he was talking really loudly about Kobe's trial, trying to cause trouble, and I didn't want us to get beaten up by the bodyguards.

Though that probably would've made for a funny story!

Company

2004-05-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, visitors. Aren't they great? What with their imposing and eating all my food? Actually, the visitor I'll be hosting for the next few days is someone I look forward to seeing - Jesus Christ.

Actually, it's my cousin Rob, but it may as well be Jesus, if you know what I mean.

Actually, Rob isn't that religious and is actually more like Satan, so you can just forget the whole Jesus thing altogether.

I just think it would be cool to hang with Jesus -- not in a Christian sort of way, but more like a two dudes wearin' sandals, sharin' a bud sort of way.

Anyway, Rob and I are the same age, and as kids we would do all sorts of things together, like building clubhouses, hiding money in the backyard, catching lizards, tormenting our sisters, breakdancing, fighting, and all sorts of fun stuff.

As we grew older, we inevitably grew apart, and so we haven't seen much of each other lately.

So he'll be staying with me for a few days before he flies back home, and in the meantime we will hopefully be reminiscing and partying it up. There is of course my job(s) that may get in the way of that, but I'll just call in sick or something.

So my posting will, as usual of late, be intermittent, but maybe I'll have fun stories to report in the coming days.

Where Does The Time Go?

2004-05-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

Down the drain! Actually, that's where my money goes, but my time is for making the money that goes down the drain, so that's what I've been doing, dammit. Makes me appreciate more of what my dad did for us kids, working overtime to pay for our food and schooling and stuff. I am also two years older than he was when he became a father. That is kinda weird. I can't even imagine having kids yet. Maybe I was a mistake! That would be kinda funny. Maybe that's why my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby. Not on purpose of course, or so she tells me...

So I'm actually working two jobs now. One is a full time and then some job, and the other is sort of an on-call place for when they need people. This week both places have needed me, so I've actually had to turn down work, which would've been unthinkable last year when I was unemployed with all my student loans, car insurance and stuff looming.

But anyway, that subject bores me. And I'm sure it's boring you. But you know what's a fun subject? Mockingbirds! My cell phone was ringing yesterday morning, and I was too sleepy to answer it. So it just kept ringing, and all of a sudden I hear the same ringing coming from outside my window. And you know what it was? A mockingbird! Imitating my cell phone! Isn't that hilarious? I've heard them imitate car alarms before, but I thought they had to practice first. This guy just picked it up right away. Ah, the wonders of nature... and cell phones.

What I Did For My Birthday

2004-05-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, no binge-drinking. In fact, there was no booze at all. Not even a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. Not even a shot. Not even a hot toddy. Nope, all I had to drink on my birthday was some fruit punch and hot tea.

Something's terribly wrong!

But you know, it's probably a good thing, not ending up naked in some parking lot, running around and peeing on cars. Yet it's probably a sign that I may no longer be the dashing young lad anymore, or shall I say, the drunken unsteady young lad.

Oh, but it's all good. I'll probably get drunk at my friend's birthday next weekend.

So anyway, what did I do for my birthday? My girlfriend took me out for a sushi lunch, even though she doesn't like fish, then we watched Goonies, then we went to dinner at a Korean BBQ place, and then we made sweet butt love. I'm just kidding about that last one. Or am I?

And then I opened my presents! It was nice, one of my gifts was a bamboo steamer, which I will put to good use making dumplings and all sorts of meals that require steam. In fact, Cooking With Amy has a recipe I would like to try. I also got Risk, the board game, which will account for endless fun and hurt feelings.

Overall, a nice birthday. And I can remember it too!

Toothache!

2004-05-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

Oh well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. After three years of not going to the dentist, I finally have a cavity. Well, it's not for sure yet, since I haven't been to the dentist, but I know it's there. I can feel it. Especially when I drink really cold water. Yikes!

I guess I could blame my avoidance of the dentist on my lack of dental insurance for the past three years. But I think that's just an excuse. I could've easily gone out and gotten insurance, I think. I figured if I just gargled enough Listerine, I wouldn't need to. But there's not enough Listerine in the world to hide the fear and the shame. Oh lordy, the shame!

So I'm scheduled to go in for X-rays next Tuesday with my recently purchased dental insurance. Hopefully technology has advanced since the last time I had my cavities filled -- back then they had to stick needles in my gums, and drill, with an actual drill, into my teeth. How barbaric!

Maybe this time my teeth will be treated with a nice subsonic blast, which, while deadly to plaque, produces a nice soothing vibration for me. One that that shall hum me to sleep in the way only a robot mama can.

Poo

2004-05-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, walking around, I occasionally step in doggy poo. Not on purpose of course, even though it's supposed to be good luck, for that would be cheating. It just turns up where you least expect it: getting out of your car at the supermarket, taking romantic walks on the beach, or on slides at McDonaldland playgrounds (this last one, come to think of it, may not have been of canine origin.)

When I was a kid, running around barefoot, stepping on poo was usually not a good thing, what with being barefoot and all, but especially since I then tracked the poo back into the house, which caused my mother to burn with the fire of a thousand angry mothers. Even as a young adult with shoes on, it still wasn't such a good thing. Walking into an office for a job interview with the aroma of fresh poo emanating from your person does not leave a very good first impression.

But with all the bad experiences one can have with poo, when you think about it, there's no use being offended by poo at all. After all, everybody poos. In fact, I believe there is a book called Everybody Poos. There's Pooing in the Woods, which is a great place to visit. There's also dung beetles, which make poo their homes, or is it their meals? In any case, poo serves it's purpose. And if I ever run out of money to buy fertilizer for my tomato plants, I take comfort in the fact that I will always have a cheap, yet morally questionable, alternative.

More Tales from Grandma

2004-05-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

Remember the little tomato plants I got back in March? They were dwarfed by my now-eaten marigolds at the time. Well, possibly due to our most recent heat wave, they've been growing like mad. And look what I saw when I was watering them today:

That's right, tomatoes! On a tomato plant! It makes a grandma proud. With such an early start, maybe this means I'll best my record of five tomatoes from last summer. Mmmm, just thinking of all those fat juicy bastards ripening and being made into a most delicious pasta sauce or what do you call it, with the basil and the olive oil -- damn, son! It makes grandma wanna slap a sucka with a coochie coo!

Grandma realizes that grandma's overreacting to some tomatoes that have yet to ripen, for grandma knows that they may yet be ravaged by plague, pestilence or goat, but grandma doesn't care. Grandma has nothing else to live for, what with all her kids having moved away and grandpa shitting himself on the regulah. Ah, but grandma talks too much. Sometimes grandma does that. Go play outside with your friends.

Happy Belated Mother's Day

2004-05-10T00:38:00.000-07:00

To all you mothers out there. I hope you all had a good day, full of restaurant food and flowers. I sent my mom a card written in Spanish. She doesn't speak Spanish. How funny. I'm not a very good son. But she liked it, I think.

And of course my grandma cooked for the family on Mother's Day, which doesn't seem right, but you really don't hear anyone complaining. Except maybe her, on the inside. Poor grandma. But mmmm, can she cook. Too bad I wasn't there to join in on the feast. They had venison today too. My sister's boyfriend hunted a deer on Molokai and gave the family some of the meat.

Well, to say "hunted" implies that he either shot it with a gun or with a bow and arrow (like Ted Nugent), neither of which is the case. He actually just came across a deer, decided to run after it, and when he finally chased it into the ocean, he drowned it. That's not a guy you wanna mess with.

The Weekend

2004-05-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have to stop drinking coffee. We just got a new coffee machine at work, so I've been chugging it like a madman. Now it's the weekend, and being away from the coffee, all I'm thinking about is the coffee. I feel sluggish without it. So I guess I'm addicted. Perhaps I should make some, but I'm too lazy to make it. Yet if I had it, I would not be too lazy to make it. Did I just blow your mind? Yeah, me and Confucius can do that sometimes.

Another Long Week

2004-05-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

When you're driving down the freeway, don't shift the car into neutral. Sure, it's fun, and it doesn't hurt the car or anything. But it's pretty easy to then accidentally shift the car into reverse. And that is what I did one day, a long time ago. The car made a funny noise, and the engine shut down, but luckily I was able to pull over to the side of the road. I felt like the stupidest moron in the world. And I was. But amazingly, the car was fine. But I soon felt like an even stupider moron, after I told my dad what I did with his car. Wow, he was so mad. I never saw a man's face get that red before. Anyway, so don't do that. Tell the truth, that is.

A Friday's Blessing

2004-04-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

I was standing in line at Fed Ex today waiting to drop off some packages. In front of me was this scruffy fat guy who looked somewhat agitated, in that "sunburnt drunkard who likes to eye people out" sort of way. In fact, it's probably what he does in his spare time. So it was just me and him in line, and as I said, I was standing behind him. Then, rather casually, he let out this loud sputtering fart.

I was rather proud of myself in the way that I didn't burst out laughing. Perhaps it was because I was so shocked that he didn't attempt to excuse himself, or for that matter, even acknowledge that he had farted. He just kept looking straight ahead, scratching his head and shifting his weight impatiently, with nary an embarrassed grunt or cough. Maybe he didn't even realize he had done it, so preoccupied with the FedEx guys as he was. Or maybe he farted out of anger. But if so, why take it out on me?

I took a few steps back, and thanked the good Lord that the guy did not produce the stench he looked capable of producing. I stood that way for a good minute before he was finally called upon. He stepped towards the counter, and as I took his place at the front of the line, I was immediately enveloped by one of the foulest smelling aromas I had ever experienced. Apparently the fat guy was capable of producing farts that, instead of wafting around the room, laid patiently in wait for its victim. For I fell prey to an invisible assassin - a funky ninja if you will. And it is not a thing I will soon forget.

Too Busy!

2004-04-29T00:09:00.000-07:00

Can't wait for the weekend. Working hard for the weekend. No time for eating or sleeping. Working hard for the money. Working on the railroad. Rolling down the river. Boom boom shake shake the room. Tick tick tick tick boom. Amen.

Water Coolers

2004-04-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

One thing that gives me pause in the course of the day is drinking water from those giant 5-gallon water coolers at work. For one must consider that the water is coming from a bottle once used by someone else.

I had a friend who would store her used 5-gallon bottles, open end up, outside in her back yard. When it would rain, water would collect in these bottles. Eventually the water would stagnate, leading to the growth of algae, mosquito larvae and all other sorts of nastiness. When she needed more water delivered, she would dry the bottles out and have the delivery guy replace them.

And those disgusting bottles probably found their way back into circulation, into people's homes and offices. Now I'm pretty sure bottled water companies clean out their bottles before refilling them with fresh mountain spring water, but can they really clean everything? Do they submerge them in hot boiling water and scrub the inside for at least 20 minutes? Well if not, don't be surprised if you look in your water cooler one day and spot a few fresh-water sea monkeys swimming about.

Dream Catcher

2004-04-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my friend gave me a dream catcher. I didn't know too much about them, so I did a little research.

It is said that "dream catchers, when hung above one's bed, traps bad dreams while allowing good dreams to pass through, blessing the sleeper with an overall pleasant dreaming experience."

And so -- having had some bad dreams the previous few nights -- I hung the dream catcher over my bed, in the hopes that instead of nightmares, I would dream of Gummi Bears and Monchichis and naked ladies dancing about.

That night, I dreamed of Tony Danza. In my dream, I was watching his new TV show -- a variety cooking show of some sort. In the middle of the episode, and for no reason in particular, Tony pulled down his pants and whipped out his massive dong to show off to the audience. And by massive, I mean something with the heft of a well-stuffed burrito. And if you aren't impressed by that, then you haven't eaten the same burritos I have.

So the jury is still out on the effectiveness of my dream catcher. And yes, I blame the dream catcher for making me dream of Danza's ding-a-ling.

Return of the Mack

2004-04-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

Back from my journey. I was away these past few days rescuing fair maidens in far off lands and touring with my prog-death-rock band, Ogopogo: The Leviathan.

Actually, to be real...

Be real, son! Be realer than real!

...a phone technician knocked out my Internet access on Friday night, and I wasn't able to get it repaired until now.

Yes, I agree, how sad.

But, mark my words, one day Ogopogo will rise from the depths!

Anyway, I must say that not having Internet access makes one extremely productive. I cleaned my apartment, washed my car, paid some bills, read a few books, took my car in to be serviced, spent quality time with my friends, went shopping, rode my bike, went to a few bars, cooked some pasta, caught up on laundry, and so much more.

But now that I got Internet back, the lord's manor will no doubt fall back into disrepair.

Oh sloth, how I've missed thee.

Damn Earwigs

2004-04-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

We used to call them pincher bugs when I was a kid. They were fun to catch, because we used to make 'em pinch other bugs. Yes, we were sadistic little kids. In fact we used to try to get them to pinch people. Oh, and I found out first hand that they bite worse than they pinch. Tricky bastards.

Anyway, I know this will make me sound like my grandma, but I'll say it anyway:

Those damn earwigs are eating my marigolds!

I don't want to use pesticides or anything on my plants, so I guess I shouldn't expect them to be bug free, but they're just totally being annihilated. Any suggestions? At least my tomato plants are relatively untouched, so that's good. Of course, when they get bigger, I'll have to deal with the giant caterpillars, but that's for later.

Watching Our President on TV...

2004-04-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

...squirm.

I hope when I grow up, I can avoid questions with more grace and agility.

QUESTION: Mr. President, why are you and the vice president insisting on appearing together before the 9-11 commission? And, Mr. President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?

BUSH: We'll find that out soon. That's what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over.

And, secondly, because the 9-11 commission wants to ask us questions, that's why we're meeting. And I look forward to meeting with them and answering their questions.

QUESTION: I was asking why you're appearing together, rather than separately, which was their request.

BUSH: Because it's a good chance for both of us to answer questions that the 9-11 commission is looking forward to asking us. And I'm looking forward to answering them.

That's kinda like being asked why you're going to school without any pants on, and saying, "Because I have to go to school."

"But why go to school without wearing pants?"

"Because if I don't go to school, I won't learn! Next question!"

Now I see why Bush and Cheney are gonna testify together. Bush needs to be chaperoned by his dad's friend so he can't say anything stupid.

UPDATED

The Star

2004-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I helped my friend Stuart with his student film. Actually, I had a small role in it. I played a guy who gets beaten up without provocation by a group of cheerleaders. At the end of it, I'm pistol-whipped by the head cheerleader. So it's a comedy, I think. And I actually had a good time, getting beaten up by the cheerleaders, except when some of them forgot to soften their kicks and punches. Or maybe they didn't forget, those punks. So now I'm all sore, but it's all about sacrificing oneself for art. Or if not art, then for fame and glory, of which I am sure to receive once the film screens at school at the end of the month. And if Stuart cuts me out of it, well, I'll just have to kick him in the nuts.

Speaking of getting beaten up, my favorite women's volleyball player of all time, Lily Kahumoku, who graduated from the University of Hawaii last year, was arrested for beating up her boyfriend. My sister informed me of this by leaving a message on my answering machine saying that "your girlfriend got arrested" and that her picture was in the newspaper. For a split second, I thought my actual girlfriend had gotten arrested and made the national news, but when I found out it was Lily, and that she had beaten up her boyfriend, all I could say was, "That's my girl."

But then I thought about it, and figured that I probably shouldn't say "that's my girl" about Lily, because if she found out, she'd probably kick my ass too.

But if she did kick my ass, I can't deny that it would probably be awesome.

Lottery Winner!

2004-04-09T00:23:00.000-07:00

Hey, I won two dollars on Wednesday's lottery drawing, yay! Okay, so I spent five dollars on the ticket, but still, I won two dollars!

I wonder what I'll spend my winnings on? Let's see, hmmm... perhaps a lottery ticket for this Saturday's drawing? It's very likely!

Stinky

2004-04-07T00:35:00.000-07:00

There is an awful smell in my apartment, and I don't know where it's coming from. It smells like rotting garbage, but it isn't coming from the garbage can, because I emptied it. And it's not the kitchen sink, nor is it the bathroom, since I cleaned both this weekend -- not that either of those places would smell like that anyway, ahem.

Maybe it's a rat that crawled under my refrigerator to die. I've heard of that happening. Well, I hope not. For one, that would mean I have rats.

Perhaps somebody dropped a hamburger patty between my couch cushions. That's happened before.

I'm too afraid to look around anywhere else. I'm afraid I would find something horrible. I have a phobia of decomposition, which I don't think is really a phobia since I'm sure no one really likes it, but I think maybe it's somewhat more acute for me. When I was younger, my cousin took me to a canal to see a dead dog, and it was totally infested with flies and maggots and all sorts of awful nasty things. Then he threw a rock at it... Okay, I won't describe any more because I'm getting nauseous just remembering. But speaking of such things, albeit in a more lighthearted manner, here's a joke I remember from childhood:

Q: What happened to Mozart when he died?

A: He decomposed!

Hohoho! That was actually from some children's joke book I read a long time ago, so I can't take credit for such genius.

UPDATE: You see, Mozart was a famous composer, so when he died, he dec-- aww forget it!

Riddle Me This

2004-04-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

What's Bob Dylan doing in a Victoria's Secret commercial? If you haven't seen it, he's looking all disaffected while one of his songs plays and then there's a Victoria's Secret model looking all mysterious, in lingerie, and then the commercial ends.

What's next? Will Neil Young do an ad for Pringles? Will they take old footage of John Lennon and have him strum along with Tony the Tiger? Where does it end? Hmmm? Hmmm?!

UPDATE: Here's a link to a news article about the Bob Dylan/ Victoria's Secret business.

UPDATE: I have nothing better to do with my life.

Poor Wilbur

2004-04-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

I was out in my yard today, talking to my friends because my cell phone reception isn't so great indoors (AT&T, you bastards) and I saw something that reminded me of a great story from childhood.

If you couldn't tell from the picture, those are baby spiders...ring any bells?

Charlotte's Web! Yes yes? Oh that takes me back. I don't remember much of the book, but the animated film had a great impact on me. As a 3rd grader seeing it for the first time, it had me bawling like a baby.

I don't want to give too much away if you haven't seen or read it already, but Charlotte is a spider, and there's a scene towards the end of the movie where Charlotte's children are flying away on wisps of spiderwebs, with poor Wilbur, the broken-hearted pig and friend of Charlotte's, looking on with bittersweet longing. I can't tell you how much I was feeling that pig.

And so these baby spiders brought back those same emotions today, as they waited for a gust of wind to take them away to some other part of the yard. Sigh.

I hope they're not poisonous.

At Work

2004-04-02T16:16:00.000-08:00

Found out Blogger likes to post stuff that I didn't actually post. One time it posted an earlier draft of something I had deleted. Weirdness.

Or conspiracy?!

Tomatoes Redux

2004-03-31T17:26:00.000-08:00

So I went out and bought my own digital camera because I was so jealous of my sister's. It was kind of expensive and I'll probably regret it later, but I'm happy now. So here's a vibrantly-colored picture from my very own camera of some plants that my girlfriend planted for me as a welcome back surprise. What a sweetie.

It's a mixture of marigolds and tomato plants. The marigolds are supposed to attract wasps that lay eggs on those disgusting caterpillars that eat tomato plants, so when the eggs hatch, the baby wasps eat the caterpillars from the inside out. I'm sorry if you were eating when you read that, but that's nature! Last summer I tried growing tomatoes for the first time, with disastrous results. Not only did my tomato plants get eaten, but they wouldn't produce tomatoes. Three plants produced a total of five edible tomatoes the entire summer. This year, with a more disease resistant variety and more fertilizer, I hope to have bushels and bushels to share with my friends and neighbors.

Sleepy Time

2004-03-31T01:12:00.000-08:00

Back in L.A. Actually, I got back Monday night, but Tuesday was spent unpacking and cleaning and buying food and making sure everything was in working order. Tomorrow, which is today, I will check in at work and see what they have for me. I hope there were no disasters while I was away. Last time I took a trip, someone broke my computer. And the boss was too cheap to fix it. So I had to use a really slow crappy one -- which I'm still using. Oh well, it's all good. I bought some strawberries and ice cream and made some strawberry shakes tonight, which the lady loved, and which I loved too, but for which I am now suffering for in the lactose intolerance department. Well, perhaps she's suffering more for it, if you get my drift, which I hope you don't, in the olfactory sense at least.