How to Make It in Life

I am a wiener in chaos
a lone sentry in the eye of the maelstrom
unmoved by the conspiring forces
that threaten to rip me apart
and in different directions
until I am but a tattered wiener

I am a wiener in chaos
I stand alone
my helmet cocked to one side
a bubblegum cigarette
dangling from my lips
a puff of cornstarch
is spirited up into the gale
I feel the inevitable
closing in
but I am steadfast and firm
my resolve does not waver
as I shut my eyes
as tight as I'm able

I am a wiener in chaos

"You need to take a long walk off a slow pier."

- as said to me in all earnestness by a frustrated co-worker

Yes, it's been that sort of week.

There's an ice cream truck blaring ice cream music in front of my apartment building. It's 9 o'clock at night. Isn't it past a lot of kids' bedtimes? So what could he be doing there? Perhaps it's an ice cream truck for adults, and the creepy ice cream man is selling flavorful frozen penis popsicles and pudendum-shaped eskimo pies. I think I've just come up with my million dollar idea. I shall become Ice Cream Man: After Dark. Details soon.

I went to the grocery store this morning just to buy some milk, bread, pasta, etc. On a whim, I bought two filets of sockeye salmon from the seafood counter. Even though they were on sale, it cost me $17.85. Woops. And I said I would be more frugal. So anyway, does anybody know how to cook sockeye salmon? Help me!

From what I hear, it's delicious. But it also sounds like the duties a multi-tasker would have on a porn shoot. Pity the poor bastards who have that job.

by an earthquake this morning. Just so we're reminded that we live near a huge fault line and we'll all die horribly one day. According to the local ABC newscast, it was about a magnitude 5.6, centered near Anza, about 120 miles away from me. From my end, it felt as if someone was rocking me in my bed for a few seconds. Perhaps that's why I wanted my mommy. Hope everyone is okay. FYI, there's a gay pride parade in West Hollywood today. They just did a short piece on ABC in the middle of the earthquake coverage. Coincidence? Pat Robertson wouldn't think so. But then again, Pat Robertson is completely insane.

About a high school basketball player named Ryan Belflower.

Practically every evening, a woman who lives in the apartment building across from me will sing opera songs (arias?) in a beautiful soprano voice. Though I can't see her, I can hear her quite well from my bedroom window, and I'm always filled with a wistful, homesick feeling whenever I'm audience to her mournful laments. I look forward to hearing her every day when I get home from work, and I'm sort of disappointed when she's not around.

One day I'll muster up the courage to go over there and thank her, tell her how much I appreciate her singing. Some old man will answer the door and I'll ask him if the woman who sings so beautifully is around. At first he'll be confused, but the more I ask about her, the more agitated he'll become. Finally, he'll tell me in a shaky voice, "But it can't be... this woman you speak of was my daughter... and she died 14 years ago! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

So maybe I won't go over there. Perhaps some things are best appreciated from afar.

I like pie.

It's been a slow news day back home.

While grocery shopping today, I came across a product that piqued my curiosity and made my mouth water. I must say that I felt ashamed almost immediately afterwards. But in the end, there was no fighting it -- I simply had to purchase this demonic concoction, my hands trembling as I handed the cashier a few crumpled bills. Perhaps tonight I shall partake of this heady brew, and perhaps I shall find it sinfully delicious...

While not nearly as bad as Miranda's recent tooth trouble, I am having some problems of my own. Yesterday one of my new $130 composite dental fillings, which I got only this past February, popped out while I was eating some extra-crunchy granola. I didn't immediately notice it, since the filling was probably a little less crunchy than the granola, but then I drank some cold milk and felt a weird extra-sensitive sensation in my tooth. After suffering through several more sips, I finally went to a mirror to peer inside my mouth. To my horror I saw a huge gaping hole in one of my molars. I think I almost fainted. I mean, I could see inside my tooth.

But I got over it, and lucky thing too, because my dentist can't see me till Monday. Oh well. You're all lucky I still can't find my camera. For now, I can't eat or drink anything really hot or really cold, and I'm definitely avoiding Coke and other sweets. In fact, that probably means I won't be eating much of anything really.

And maybe it's a blessing in disguise, since, as my girlfriend quite recently put it, "Why can't you look more like Anakin?"

If you haven't seen Revenge of the Sith, Anakin is quite the delicious dish in several shirtless scenes. Or so I'm told. Repeatedly. It's not like I'm a fatso or anything. But she persists. And so I tell her that unlike Anakin, I'm, errr... good? To which she replies, "But sweetie, just look at him!"

It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how good or bad you are, it's how you look without your shirt on that determines your standing in life. I bet this could be scientifically proven too. Anyway, so my new push-up regimen begins right now. Damn you Anakin Skywalker!