How to Make It in Life

Today, I drove 50 miles for free food. Well, actually it was for a co-worker party, but I wasn't gonna drive all that way just to see the same disgusting fools I see every day. I'd rather starve myself before I'd see them during my off-hours. And so that's what I did. I didn't eat all day in order to savor the delicious free food all the more. And it was indeed delicious. Of course, in the end, it turns out that the food really wasn't free since the cost of gas for the trip was probably some exorbitant amount that's way more than the price of the food, but since it was the reason I went, I must stand by that reasoning. And that makes me somewhat melancholy.

I've been quite busy of late, but the good news is that I recently got a raise! Thank you, thank you. Where once I was making peanuts, now I am making honey-roasted peanuts. Again, thank you.

An inquistive fellow, perhaps frightened by a recent discovery about himself, came searching for answers here via this heartbreaking query. To ease his mind, I've come up with a list just for him, in case he comes back.

The Advantages of Having Three Testicles

It's always good to have a spare.

You're more likely to father triplets.

Third time's the charm. Same goes with balls.

If your name is Tony, you can call yourself "Three Testicle Tony"

You fill out your Speedos real nice.

While most guys nickname their testicles after famous duos, you can name yours after famous trios. Ladies, say hello to Huey, Dewey and Louie.

To celebrate, here are some eels that I saw at the Long Beach Aquarium a few weeks back. As you can see, the little buggers are sticking their heads out of the sand, while a starfish and a snail rest in the foreground. Pretty cool, mate!


Click on picture for better view!

The University of Hawaii's dream of an undefeated season is no more, as they lost their season opener to Florida Atlantic, 35 to 28. Yes, that's right, the same Florida Atlantic you've never even heard of. So go ahead and laugh! I don't give a crap! But let me tell you one thing...

*cue ominous 50s noir music, along with corresponding noir accent*

Unlike you, at least I'm passionate about something! Oh, I'm sorry, did I touch a nerve? Forgive me, please, for I had no idea you still felt anything, seeing as how your heart is as barren as an empty tin of childhood promise! Seeing as how your life now consists of nothing more than a going through of the motions, secretly longing -- not only for that young scamp you didn't have the courage to take to the ball all those years ago -- but for the cold comfort of death's eternal embrace! That's right baby! The big sleep!

I suppose I'm taking this loss a bit too hard. There will be other games, after all. Sigh.

In other news, it is really hot today, like 95 degrees in L.A. and 101 in Long Beach. I'm so glad I'm not a gardener, though I did water my bell peppers today. Here, have a gander.

Howdy all, I just came back from Vegas. It was my second time there in the past three weeks. No, I don't have a gambling problem...or at least that ain't the reason I went back so soon. This second trip was for work, which I found out about right after I came back from my first trip. So anyway, now I'm home for the time being, which is good since I have so many chores to do.

So how did I do in Vegas? Well, my first trip there with my parents, I was on a roll. I won $200 on roulette, $40 on video poker and had my hotel and food paid for by my parents. Not bad! My second trip there, my business trip there, I lost $80 on slots, $60 on roulette and nearly cried my pretty little eyes out at the end of the night. I take consolation in the fact that if you count both trips, I'm still up, but I tell you, Vegas is evil! You win pretty big one night, so you go back thinking you'll win some more, but then you lose it all! Hmmph! Of course, I can't wait to go back.