How to Make It in Life

As I was uprooting my dying, pestilence-ridden tomato plants today, I decided to throw a few rotten tomatoes at random targets around the backyard. So I pitched a fastball at one of the evergreen trees lining our neighbor's fence. It entered the foliage and hit the trunk with a mushy "thunk."

Soon after, a rustling was heard. The rustling continued longer than it should have, making its way up the tree. It was as if the tomato had sprouted limbs and was now making its ascent.

My hopes of a mutant tomato were soon dashed however when the rustling stopped and out popped a squirrel, which hopped onto a nearby telephone cable. The squirrel proceeded to chatter in an agitated manner, looking directly at me.

My first reaction was amazement. I had never had a squirrel, in effect, swear at me before. My second reaction was denial. There was no way the squirrel had seen me throw that tomato. So why was it mad at me? My third reaction was fear. Had the squirrel seen me throw it? And if so, how? Perhaps the squirrel had been...spying on me. Holy shit.

My fourth reaction was to throw another tomato at the squirrel. I missed, and in retrospect, I'm glad I did. Unfortunately the tomato landed in the neighbor's yard. But that seemed to shut the squirrel up, as it immediately scampered back into hiding.

Luckily, my neighbors weren't home, and hopefully they won't know where the tomato came from, but I have a whole nother thing to worry about -- I have made enemies with a squirrel that has been spying on me. In the coming days, I will no doubt have to protect my nuts.