How to Make It in Life

When I was a kid, I attended a Christian elementary school. Fast forward to present: So I am no longer a Christian, and neither are many of my friends who went to the same school. I've always wondered why this is so. I think it's probably due to the example set by our teachers.

Miss Morris: "Oh Brady, please stop throwing things at Jenny... Please stop it, Brady... Darn it...BRADY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! STOP THROWING THINGS AT JENNY!!!"

Brady: "You took the Lord's name in vain."

Miss Morris: "YEAH WELL, THE LORD MADE YOU IN VAIN!"

Miss Morris didn't actually say that last thing, but I wouldn't have been surprised if she did. Miss Morris, along with many of our other teachers, despised and probably would have murdered some of us if they thought God wasn't watching. They would yell at us, insult us, insult our parents, "accidentally" swear at us, take the Lord's name in vain, threaten us, spank some of us (with a paddle too) and accuse us of being evil, especially if we didn't pay attention during Bible study.

Miss Morris would also tell our 4th grade class things like, "Whitney Houston is going to hell!" because she sang a song called, "Saving All My Love For You". She was upset because Whitney didn't save some of her love for Jesus. I'm serious.

And our music teacher, Mrs. Nyman, told us not to listen to rock music because the beats and rhythms in rock songs could interfere with our heartbeat and eventually cause heart failure. Again, I'm serious. She would then play us songs on her piano, using, one would assume, "heart-friendlier" tempos than what the Beatles had used.

But my fondest memory of Christian elementary school was when I was in the 6th grade and they provided us with some sex education. Our vice principal was called upon to handle this touchy subject, probably because our teachers didn't know too much about it. And so he taught us how men have penises and women have vaginas, and how they fit together to make babies, but how doing so before marriage is a sin...all that stuff. Then the topic of masturbation came up. Our vice principal, clearly looking uncomfortable, offered this advice:

"Masturbation is okay, as long as you're not thinking of naked women or having other sinful thoughts when you're doing it. Ahem."

That single statement probably traumatized me for life. To this day, when I'm feeling randy, instead of thinking of some sexy woman writhing naked on my bed, I think of Jesus tending to his flock of sheep.

Me: "Oh, Jesus! Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort MEEEE!"

Jesus: "Jesus is Coming."

Sheep: "Baaaaaa! Baaaaaa!"

I'm so going to hell. See you there, Whitney.