Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Songs for Kids 

Remember this childhood song?

I like bananas, coconuts and grapes.
I like bananas, coconuts and grapes.
I like bananas, coconuts and grapes.

(I forgot how it ended)

It was sung to the tune of Glory Glory Hallelujah, except it was about dicks, boobs and balls. Kids who sang it would point to the corresponding areas on their body in time with the lyrics. Though come to think of it, I didn't know too many kids who had all three.

How about this childhood song?

When you're sitting on the road and your balls explode, that's rupture!

That's the whole song, but there were numerous ways to rupture your balls, so with a change of a few words you got:

When you're lying on your back and your balls start to crack, that's rupture!


When you're sitting on a tire and your balls catch on fire, that's rupture!

They didn't have to make sense. My elementary schoolmates and I would come up with variations at every recess, making sure, of course, that the teachers didn't hear us say balls. Because that's swearing.

Of course, one time I said much worse to a teacher and didn't even get in trouble. I was fighting with this kid named Lance, just saying stuff like "You're stupid!" and "You're the doo doo boy!" It escalated until he finally really swore at me. I, being a whiny 3rd grader and all, ran immediately to the teacher.

Me: Lance swore at me!

Mrs. Kam: What!? What did he say?

Me: He said I was a...ummm

Mrs. Kam: Tell me what he said!

Me: But it's a bad word.

Mrs. Kam: Tell me, I won't get mad.

Me: Okay. He said I was a stupid fucker.

Mrs. Kam: Thank you.

Mrs. Kam grabbed Lance and took him to the principal's office. I had mixed feelings about the whole thing. I didn't understand why Mrs. Kam made me swear. And why she didn't bust me for swearing. The only thing I figured was that Lance had meant it when he called me a stupid fucker. I said it out of fear and confusion.

Looking back on it, I think Mrs. Kam was just having a laugh. "Let's make the little tattletale swear! It'll blow his mind!"

I bet that was it. Oh Mrs. Kam, you rascal!